Ask most adults what is the hardest thing they have ever done, and the response will probably be, parenting.
While I am not a parent, I have had the chance to be parented and watch a lot of people try to parent.
So even though I am without child, I will do my best to explain my thoughts.
Throughout my life, and I would dare to say throughout much of history, parenting has been about compliance.
The people with the most compliant children at any event were obviously the best parents.
While there is something to be said of respectful children who are trying to be good, this is really not created through compliance alone.
As a child, we used to sing a song called "I am a Child of God".
I once had a professor explain parenting using the chorus of this song.
Two lines of the song read, “Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, Help me find the way.”
My professor explained this is what parenting is meant to be. It meant to be a lead, guide, walk beside process.
Not a force, punish, hit process.
There are really three types of parenting, they are permissive, authoritative and authoritarian. While there is also uninvolved parenting, we will just stick with the first three.
Permissive is easy enough to understand but what are the other two styles?
Authoritarian parenting is when parents force children into submission or compliance. The means used might be verbal attacks or harsh punishments.
Those who grew up in a home where an authoritarian parenting style was used often have lower self-esteem, poorer social skills, and have higher levels of depression (Brusie, 2017).
Authoritative would be the “just right” in parenting if this were the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. It is neither hot or cold, it is just right.
Authoritative, is not permissive because they don’t let their children walk over them. It is also not authoritarian because you are not trying to coerce their children into compliance.
This seems like a no brainer, but most parents tend to be on the more permissive or authoritarian side of parenting.
Here is what it comes down to, do you want your children to seem obedient, or do you want children who develop positive skills and character traits.
Permissive and authoritarian parenting styles also created a wall between parent and child that becomes less penetrable as the child grows older.
One study helps us to see this when they talked to "…American undergraduates, researchers asked students who they consulted when they had to make moral decisions. Undergraduates with authoritative parents were the most likely to say they would talk with their parents.
Students with authoritarian parents--like students from permissive families--were more likely to reference their peers” (Dewar, 2017).
There are several reasons for this difference in parent child relationship.
To illustrate this idea, think of a boss or supervisor you have had in the past.
Now think of that boss or supervisor who was rude and demanding, that demanded respect, but hardly gave any.
On the flip side, think about that boss or supervisor who had high expectations, but were willing to help teach and guide you.
They helped to give you the skills necessary to get the job done the way they wanted, but did so without making you feel shameful.
Which one in the long run did you want to work harder for, which one did you just try to jump through hoops for?
It should not be hard to see why authoritative parenting is more effective.
Some might be asking, so how can I punish my child so they will understand consequences?
While the complete answer is not simple, one part of it is, don’t punish your child.
Meaning, there are logical consequences for actions and some natural consequences.
Punishments are more often then not used to stop a behavior, but they don’t teach a constructive lesson. Most of the time, they teach the child they are bad, or I just need to avoid that parent.
In a study done using lab rats, we are able to see the overall ineffectiveness of punishments. The lab rats were put in cage with a lever, that for first little bit, had no punishment for touching it. They then start to administer a small shock when the rats touched it.
The researcher then stopped shocking the rats when they touched the lever.
For a short period of time the rats avoided the lever, then as they began to experiment and touch the lever again after realizing they were not getting shocked.
This article then goes on to explain what happened with the rats.
“The reliability of this phenomenon demonstrates that punishment does not change the tendency to engage in the behavior that was punished. Instead, it makes the person or the rat want to avoid the source of punishment. As soon as the child thinks it’s not being watched (as soon as the situation seems different in some way), the tendency to engage in the behavior will reassert itself. Punished children do what was punished behind their parents’ backs, or as soon as they get to college. Sure, I suppose you could arrange for a totalitarian state to ensure that the person is always feeling watched and thereby inhibit the behavior permanently under an umbrella of anxiety, numbness, and hate (the emotions that punishment produces). But even then, the tendency (or desire) to engage in the punished behavior will not change” ( Karson, 2014).
Effective parenting is more than punishment, it involves real time spent leading, guiding, and walking beside our children.
Sources:
Brusie, C. (2017). Is Authoritarian Parenting Bad for My Child? Retrieved December 02, 2017, from https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/authoritarian-parenting
Dewar, G. (2017, June). Authoritarian parenting: What happens to the kids? Retrieved December 02, 2017, from https://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html
Karson, M. (2014, January 14). Punishment Doesn't Work. Retrieved December 02, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling- our-way/201401/punishment-doesnt-work
Randall, N.( 1957). I am a Child of God. Children's Songbook