Growing up, we were taught that cohabitation under no circumstance was acceptable.
Meaning, men and women who were dating were not to live with one another before marriage.
An idea, I know most do not believe in today.
According to the National Health statistics report, “The percentages of women and men who agreed, “A young couple should not live together
unless they are married,” decreased between 2002 and 2011–2013."
As of 2013 only 28% of women and in 2006, 28% of men agreed that a young couple should not live together unless married. (Daugherty, Copen, C., & D., 2016)
With less than half of U.S. men and women agreeing with the principles I grew up with, it is easy to see what the popular opinion is.
Throughout my schooling, but especially when I was in high school I was asked, but mostly criticized for the values I held dear.
There was one day when I was a sophomore in high school that I will never forget.
A boy came up to me that actually had been raised in the same religion as me, but had decided he did not want to live what we had been taught.
We were all sitting around eating lunch and talking about I am not sure what.
This boy looked at me and asked me why I would not live with, but mostly he was talking about having sex with someone before I marry.
He used the phrase we hear all the time, the idea of “test driving the car” before you buy it.
I have actually thought a lot about this over the years as I have dated several guys since that interaction I had in high school.
Here is what I have concluded, first, cohabitation is really about sexual benefits without full commitment.
From my dating experiences, I can honestly say it would have been easy to get sexually involved with my boyfriend.
We cared about each other, most times, we did not plan on the relationship ending, and were attracted to each other.
Sounds like some pretty good ingredients to justify sexual acts without out being married, I mean the only difference is a piece of paper.
Actually, that is not the only difference.
There is a level of commitment that is missing.
In fact, Psychologists at UCLA studied 172 married couples for the first 11 years of their marriages.
“When people say, ‘I’m committed to my relationship,’ they can mean two things,” said study co-author Benjamin Karney, a professor of
psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA. “One thing they can mean is, ‘I really like this relationship and want it to
continue.’ However, commitment is more than just that. A deeper level of commitment, the psychologists report, is a much better predictor of
lower divorce rates and fewer problems in marriage”(Wolpert, 2012).
Now I realize they studied married couples, but the principle still applies, more commitment, better chance of success.
Unfortunately, some enter marriage without the intention of being committed.
For the most part though, what is the point of that big celebration in front of those you care about; to make a commitment that everyone can witness.
Past research has shown that cohabitation also leads to a higher chance of divorce once that couple is married.
In 2014 Arielle Kuperberg publish findings in the Journal of Marriage and Family, stating that in fact, all those years of research had been misinterpreted.
In an interview with The Huffington Post, she explained “The problem is that the couples are settling down at an earlier age, and settling down too young is what leads to divorce.”
So which is it?
After reading these finding Sharon Sassler, a professor at Cornell University suggested that perhaps it is too soon to really write off years of research about cohabitation.
Sassler states, “It may be premature, then, to assert that premarital cohabitation is not associated with an increased risk of divorce. Rather, knowing more about how relationships are formed and how they develop – such as how long couples are romantically involved before moving in together – may help us make better predictions about the chances that a relationship will dissolve, whether before the couple marries or after they do so.”
There also is not a lot of supporting research to back up Kuperberg claim.
Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia also has some experience with this topic.
“I’ve had other client who also wish they hadn’t sunk years of their 20’s in relationships that would have lasted only months had they not been living together. Founding relationships on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built of top of “we do” of commitment and marriage.”
What do I think of the phrase” test driving the car” before you buy?
It is selfish and not supported with large bodies of data.
We are worth more than that.
We will always disappoint those we love, we can’t on our own sustain the happiness of our significant other.
A test drive is 100% what we can get, and not what we can give.
Well for me, I hope to be able to give and be with someone who is just as willing to give.
Sources
Daugherty, J., Copen, C., & D. (2016, March 17). Trends in Attitudes About Marriage, Childbearing, and Sexual Behavior: United States, 2002, 2006–2010, and 2011–2013. Retrieved October 28, 2017, from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr092.pdf
Hillin, T. (2014, March 11). New Research Says Living Together Before Marriage Doesn't Lead To Divorce. Retrieved October 28, 2017, from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/11/divorce-cohabitation-stud_n_4936928.html
Jay, M. (2012, April 14). The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage. Retrieved October 28, 2017, from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html
Sassler, S. (2014, March 01). But how do the relationships get started. Retrieved October 28, 2017, from https://contemporaryfamilies.org/cohabitation-divorce-commentaries/
Wolpert, S. (2012, February 01). Here is what real commitment to your marriage means. Retrieved October 28, 2017, from http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064