At some point in all of our lives, we have had the chance to be a fly on the wall in another family’s home.
Maybe you were staying with them for a few days, or you have observed that family that holds nothing back in public.
It is through these experiences that we come to realize families have different dynamics and boundaries.
This is otherwise known as family rules and roles. These are universally understood aspects that exist within any given family unit.
The common types of roles that form in families are peace keepers, golden child, trouble maker, and the boss, to name a few.
Many of us can remember, or maybe we are that person, who spent much of their energy trying to prevent conflict in their family.
We assume these roles to fill gaps within our families that we felt existed growing up.
When we come back to our families of origin, we often assume those same roles we filled for years.
It is not uncommon to continue to fill those roles in future living situations including roommates, and eventually families of our own.
Much like roles we played, our families also conformed to rules that were universally understood by all family members.
Saying that the rules were understood does not mean that you agreed with them, but you knew what to expect.
For example, when my family would sit down to watch a movie, it was an unwritten, yet universally known rule that you did not talk during the movie.
This is a silly example, but it illustrates the concept I am trying to explain.
Even as I say this, I am sure there are some of you who can think of family rules that still exist in your individual families.
These rules are then taken into future marriages and families, making them significant.
What we take from our families is somewhat in our control, while other times they are not. They shape who we are, how we react to situations and our expectations.
The old saying, “you are what you eat,” I think, could be applied to this idea. While you do not literally become a pizza or whatever else you eat, it does affect you and causes certain consequences.
This can be compared to how our families affect and shape who we are and the roles we often play. While we do not literally become our family members, we are affected by them, they do make up part of who we are.
Through understanding how our families affect us, we understand how family rules and roles are perpetuated.
Once we recognize these rules, we are better able to change what we do not like and continue what we have found to be beneficial.